By: Martha Biong Mijak | Date: January 16, 2026
In many African homes, the first-born girl is often viewed as a “second mother.” While teaching responsibility is good, there is a thin line between guidance and burden. Here are four critical mistakes parents should avoid to ensure their eldest children grow up healthy, confident, and loved.
1. The Poison of Comparison
Many parents make the mistake of comparing the elder child to the younger ones. You might hear, “Why can’t you be more like your younger sister? She does better in school/chores than you.”
This creates a very negative impression. Comparison kills a child’s confidence and self-esteem. In adulthood, these children may grow up feeling unwanted or unloved. The Fix: Treat every child equally. Give them the same affection and guidance based on their unique personality.
2. Burdensome Responsibility
Giving an elder child “parental” duties at a very young age—such as bathing, cleaning, and constant childcare—robs them of their youth. A parent might say, “It’s your turn to take care of them; I took care of you when you were that age.” This is wrong. You are making her miss out on her childhood. It is the mother’s duty to care for all children, including the eldest. She is a child, not a co-parent.
3. The “Grown-Up” Neglect
Parents often shift all their attention to the younger children, neglecting the eldest because they are “grown.” All children need attention, care, and love regardless of age.
- The Reality: The way you show attention might change as they get older, but the need for it never goes away. When you eliminate attention for the first-born, they feel unwanted.
4. Forced Independence
Saying, “You are old enough to take care of your own needs,” is a mistake. It is not the right way to teach independence.
- The Better Way: Teach independence through love and patience. Help them understand that being independent is a helpful skill for their future, not just a way to get them off your hands.
Final Thought:
While the first-born girl can certainly help around the house, we must remember she is a daughter first, and a helper second. Let’s protect their childhood.
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Delicate balancing is often required, not over pumper the child and risk her becoming irresponsible at the same time not putting so much on her …